“Let’s talk about sex baby, let’s talk about you and me, let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be, let’s talk about it, let’s talk about sex!”
– Salt ‘n’ Pepper
Righto, let’s get straight to the heart of the matter. Let’s not beat around the bush. After 13 years of (mostly) happy marriage and after having two kids, I have come to this conclusion: an enjoyable and satisfying sex life for both partners is integral to a happy and loving long-term relationship.
Yup, ‘tis true my friends.
I have never been shy talking to my girlfriends about their sex lives. Let’s face it, it’s intriguing, isn’t it? And I gotta say, I am often surprised by how few couples are having regular sex. I know that in my relationship, when my husband is getting some, he is more happy, energised, affectionate, calm, patient and loving, and in turn, I feel closer to him and that we are a solid, unified team.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m no nympo. I have certainly had loooong periods in my marriage where sex was the very last thing on my list of priorities; the last place I could imagine giving my energy to, and let’s face it, a bit of a ‘chore’. And sadly, after breast-feeding two children, I’m not sure I will ever derive sexual pleasure from my breasts again. They turned overnight from ‘boobs/tits’ to ‘mammary glands’ and I can’t seem to get them back to their former status. I think their function has been exhausted. They certainly don’t look like they use to. Oh well. We can’t have it all can we Mummas?
Let’s get back on track. In all these conversations with my girlfriends (who are also Mums), I only have two girlfriends who have sex with their husbands on a weekly basis. Both women openly say that they have partners with a high sex drive and who ‘get antsy’ if they don’t get any regularly.
Other honourable mentions include a friend who said that she could count on one hand the amount of times she and her hubby had ‘done it’ in the last 12 months. And another said, since her last baby was born, she had had sex twice with her husband – and her baby is 15 months old. Another admitted sadly that since her second child was born 18 months ago, that she and her husband have not had sex. It seems many women are not even reaching the average sex stats of 1.5 shags a week.
About a month ago I had an epiphany. Nothing earth shattering, but it was definitely ‘a moment’. In that moment, it occurred to me that perhaps the marriages that would last the longest would be those ones in which both partners were regularly getting down in the bedroom… or in the lounge room… or on the floor… And the ones who weren’t… well, I wondered how long they’d last; whether their relationship would deteriorate, a chasm would open, and a part of them would wither away (not literally I don’t think).
Look, I am definitely not saying that the key to a happy and successful marriage is based purely on a great sex life, but I reckon it plays a pretty jolly large part. Sex is about intimacy, about sharing, about connecting, about knowing and pleasing each other and about expressing your love to another. If that’s not important in a marriage, I don’t know what is!
If us mothers gave our husbands just a tenth of the love and affection we give our children, imagine the positive effect that would have on our men. Before having children our husbands are the centre of our universe, the primary target of our love and affection. After children, they’re pushed off into the corner along with the dirty nappies. Admittedly those little bubbas need us to make them the centre of our world – their survival depends on that, but I have often thought that it is a pretty drastic fall from grace for our men folk.
The other part of the bargain is that our needs have to be met too. We cannot be selfless giving machines all day every day. A little romance from our men folk goes a long way. A little ‘you look beautiful’, a little shoulder rub, a little meal cooked or a little ‘time-out’ for Mumma while the kids are taken to the park by Dadda, goes a long way to filling up our love tanks and nourishing us.
Hey, Motherhood is an all-consuming, wonderful wild ride, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, and sometimes just getting through the day without losing your mind (or your cool) is as much as an achievement as ever. But the point is that our men need our love too. They need our attention and they need our affection. If we can get out of our busy minds for a while and just let go – forget about the dirty dishes, the over-flowing potty, the droopy mammary glands… what a wonderful outlet sex can be.